You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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