I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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