this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
