you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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