I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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