I wish I could teleport
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
