she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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