either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
