I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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