I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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