there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
