I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
