I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
