Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
