i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize