There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
