now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
