this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
