Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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