it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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