Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
