i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
