Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
