Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
