If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize