ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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