This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
