my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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