i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
