I wish I only lived at night.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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