Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
