I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize