Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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