I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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