Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
