as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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