how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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