i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize