If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
