I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
