3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
