Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize