Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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