I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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