She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
