We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize