So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
high people should be assigned attendants
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
