dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize