Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
