i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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