I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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