No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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