Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
