Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
is wine microwaveable?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
