Got a toothbrush?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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