You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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