saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
