I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
