Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Randomize
