you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
